#17 - (briandy) We need to talk

Since our last sms, I didn't stop to think about Briony. About us, and about Alexander. He was the one that separated us, by pushing Bri to take drugs again  while he knews she was trying to stop. Clearly, I wanted to kill him and I would probably do if I would see him in the corridors. But there was something else now. I was back with Apple for two days. I was in the public park Cambridge Common, set on a bench and waiting for Briony. I asked her to come to see me, cellphone in my hand and telling her where I was. Where were we going ? What would she says upon hearing about Apple and I ? I would lie by saying I wasn't afraid of her reaction. She was important to me, I loved her too and... She also asked me a second chance. Everything was definitely too complicated... Isn't it possible for earth to stop spinning ? Looking up, I looked for her, eyes sweeping the park.

Well. Birds (PIOU PIOU *baf*) were singing, the sky was blue and everything seemed to be ready for spending a good day. But not. Since a week, i couldn't just describe my feelings about my life, about my friends, about my family.. It's a fuckin mess and all nights, i was doing the same nightmare: me, alone, crying for someone in a forest and dying. Oh no, i just forget a detail. Some people's looking at me, laughing at me while i'm crying. That's horrible as a dream and every morning, i'm afraid, my heart's beating a lot when i wake up. Fortunately (don't judge me, please) Feldt wasn't still at home and i could cry, without someone who can see me and have pity for me. All i just hate. I can be strong. I can be strong. I can be strong. It's good to have this idea in head, it can be a good therapy, i agree with myself. *pan* But in reality, without Andy, especially him, i can't do anything. Same situation with Alex, with Feldt, with Hendrix. They're all away from me, they can't hear my sos, i'm alone. Andy sent me a message, one hour ago, something like that, i don't know, for asking me to join him in Cambridge Common. In the night of the housing day, we talked about us about what we will going to do in the future, if he can trust me again, you see ? And today it's the d-day, of the real conversation. haha. I'm totally stressed, i have no idea about what he wanted to say to me.. i was frightened. But i was here, at time. Right away, i saw him, setting on a bench, looking.. for me ? Aw. I walked in his direction, making a little grimace before smiling a little bit. I was happy to see him actually, i loved him so much you know. It's been one week, or more, i didn't count, juste terrible without him, after our separation. It's our last chance today.. ? Hi..

All alone in this part of the park, I was lost in my thoughts, wondering what I would say to Briony... even just to tell her hello. Our relationship was so weird, I didn't know what to do when I was in front of her. She had a certain power on myself and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of ​​talking to her. She was my second love. The second woman I would probably die for. Life seemed so unique with Briony by my side but something had change, something was broken since I saw the drug in her room. What was I supposed to do ? Forgive her ? Hit Alexander ? I stopped everything but I couldn't deny I was terribly missing her. My heart pounded faster when I saw her walking towards me, holding my breath. I straightened, pinching my lips. Hi... Too much had happen between us. I remembered about her dead family. How do you feel ? Just, please, don't lie Briony, I know you enough right now to know you're not okay. I hate the fact you touched drugs again but I don't ignore why you gave away. Culpability was my closest friend each time I was thinking about the Mather House ex-president, I knew since the beginning she was in a hard moment of her life but I left her, that's probably my worst mistake in our couple. Yeah, couple. Even if I told to Apple I wasn't Briony's boyfriend, that doesn't change the fact I though to move in her flat. I was her boyfriend. Just a secret one.

What will I say when I'll be in front of Andy ? I really don't know. When I'm with the eliot.. i can explain why but I lost my words. Actually, I think that my friends could guess if they see our couple on day (we can dream) that i'm not Briony with him. Because.. When I'm spending my time with Alex, Keyla or even Feldt, I really can say what I want when I want. That's absolutely not the same situation with Andy. Because I don't allow myself to speak about drugs, gays, politic, war between houses in Harvard.. Thoses stuffs which can continue with a verbal fight. huhu. If i can avoid it, i will do that. But.. i'm still Briony, you know ? I'm still impulsive,  malicious, generous (huhu), annoying, weak also.. i'm totaly myself. Just a lit bit censured. They don't have any rights to say that I'm changing for him. No rights. I will always be Briony, that's all. And that is this fact exactly which is the problem. Because of my personality, we broke up. One time. Two time. Another one ? I hope no. I need him, i can't deny him, i missed him a lot during our separation.. How do i make him understand.. ?Hi... I looked down at the flood for a moment. My heart ached. He just said hi.. omg. I'm so weak with Andy.. How do you feel ? Is it a real question ? I laughed nervously before looking into his eyes. His beautiful eyes.. Why didn't he kiss me.. ? Why I am not yet in his arms ? I'm not.. very well.. what about you ? I was honest, be the same please Andy.

I was driving crazy, there's nothing else to say. I was in love with two women, lost both of them and had a chance to get them back both again. Or kind of, actually... I wasn't so sure that Briony wouldn't change her mind by knowing about Apple and I. Even if at the beginning she just was my secret lover, time changed everything and she probably wouldn't like to be the eternal second lover... I was married and I will still be. My heart was beating very fast while Briony answered me, telling me she wasn't fine. I never doubt about that and oddly I was reassured by the fact she didn't lie. I already felt better in my life. She's been honest with me, I had to do the same, even if that was really hard to admit. I pinched my lips again, lost in her eyes. I would love to kiss her, to hold her in my arms but I was curbing myself, thinking it wouldn't be correct. I'm sorry, I really was busy those last days, mmh... I cleared the throat, and added : So... Alexander admitted he wanted us to break up and gave you drugs for that. Okay. Here we are Briony, let's talk. I felt like my head was going to explode. That conversation seemed innocent but... I knew everything would depend on it. All of my relationship with Bri, all of our potential future was in our hands right now...

Tout était hors-de-contrôle dans ma vie maintenant. T'façon, j'savais depuis un ptit moment que j'aurai pas de happy ending, que j'pourrais jamais être en couple, que j'étais pas faite pour être heureuse, pour avoir des amis. J'fais tout foirer. Et c'était limite si je ne partais pas pessimiste pour cette discussion avec Andy. Je l'aime. Je l'aime vraiment très fort et il se rendra sûrement jamais compte de l'ampleur de mes sentiments. Pourtant, ils sont bien là et réels. Mais est-ce que ça suffirait à nous faire tenir ? On allait droit dans l'mur, on l'avait bien compris la semaine dernière. Est-ce que ça vaut le coup encore ? Oui. Pour moi, c'était clair et net. J'avais besoin de lui, j'me voyais mal devoir jouer mon rôle d'ennemie avec Andy, maintenant que j'le connaissais, lui et ses faiblesses. J'voulais pas de cette situation entre nous. I already felt better in my life. J'acquiesçais doucement en l'entendant dire ça. Il était pas épargné par la vie lui aussi et j'regrettais maintenant de n'être pas revenue sur le sujet Keanu depuis l'temps, ni celui de sa dépression, ni rien en fait. Égoïstement, j'avais voulu que nos moments -rares- ensemble soient les plus beaux et joyeux possibles. I'm sorry, I really was busy those last days, mmh... Je ne dis rien, le laissant parler encore, plongée dans ses yeux que je ne pouvais pas quitter. Occupé, vraiment ? On avait toujours réussi à s'voir quand on l'souhaitait vraiment, c'est tout ce que j'pense. Il avait voulu m'éviter, c'tout. So... Alexander admitted he wanted us to break up and gave you drugs for that. J'baissa les yeux avant de relever le regard, observant les arbres derrière Andy. That's right. And he's not sorry at all. Il avait bien réussi son coup. I did the worst thing to do with his "gift", you know ? But i won't do that again.. i swear. J'allais tenir cette promesse, qu'importe ce qui s'passe. Je plongea mon regard dans celui de l'Eliot. Do you really think that i'm like the others ? Que j'étais qu'une droguée lambda, sans potentiel, sans envie de m'en sortir.

Briony seemed to not be convinced by the fact I was occupied lastly. I finally talked about the sore subject. Alexander, and our rupture. I swallowed hard by seeing Briony looking at the trees behind me, probably avoiding my eyes. I still was looking at her in my case, unable to take my eyes off Briony. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, so... everything. Godness, sometimes I feel afraid when I realize how much I love her. I looked down to her lips while she was speaking, swearing she wouldn't do the same mistake again. How can you be so sure Briony ? How can you swear you won't drug you ever ? You already gave me your word and you failed. I was nervous right right now, shaking my head from left to the right. Of course you're not like the others. Because I love you and that change everything. Everything. Even if Anya can't deal with it, it's what it is and no-one could change that, not even me, even if I tried last week. I know he's your best friend. Or you call him best friend, even if I think he's the worst best friend that ever lived on earth. You're angry with him but... I bit my lip, searching for my words. I know that you'll still forgive him, because that's what best friends do. We're not saved... He will never like me, and I will never like him too. So what should we do Briony ? Take our chance, wait and see if he won't drug you again or do something else for separating us another time ?

Oui, j'refaisais cette promesse. Encore une fois. En espérant que ça serait la bonne. Mais ça, j'le sentais, vous savez ? J'arrivais enfin à moins sentir la dépendante, à m'dire que j'pourrais survivre sans avoir ma dose. J'étais à un stade où j'me sentais capable d'aller de l'avant. Oui, personne n'était avec moi alors que c'était un moment super dur de mon existance. Mais malgré tout, j'me trouverais bien un truc pour m'empêcher de penser à la drogue. Chais pas, j'ferai doodle jump ou une autre connerie dans ce style. Pour m'occuper l'esprit. J'dois apprendre à être moins avec les autres, indépendante. How can you be so sure Briony ? J'me mordis la lèvre et soupira. Bien, comment est-ce que j'peux tourner mes pensées pour qu'il me comprenne, sans faire tout foirer.. ? Because, last time, when I said I won't take anymore drugs, I wasn't so in love with you as today.. Les drogues, c'est le truc qui nous fait rompren, c'est le truc que j'dois absolument contrôler. And.. I think I had to drug me one more time, just for see that I don't need drugs anymore. I don't want to drugs me in the future, even if my body don't guess the same thing as my mind. J'avais dû me prouver à moi-même que la drogue ne me servait à rien à d'autres qu'avoir des ennuis, j'arrivais à prendre de la distance petit à petit. Il faut faire des erreurs pour avancer. Of course you're not like the others. Je ne pus retenir un léger soupir en entendant Andy dire ça. Parce que si y a bien un truc dans notre rupture qui m'avait fait mal.. ça avait été qu'il me sorte que j'étais qu'une putain de junkie. Rien de plus. I know he's your best friend. Yop, c'est vrai.. mais ça ne l'excuse en rien ça. You're angry with him but... I know that you'll still forgive him, because that's what best friends do. We're not saved... Mon coeur se serrait. C'est vrai.. J'reviendrais toujours vers Alexander, j'serai capable de faire un tas de choses pour retrouver notre amitié. But I won't forgive him today. Or next week. What he did it's.. J'passa une main dans mes cheveux, avant d'enlever les larmes qui commençaient à naître aux bords de mes yeux, rapidement. If Alex don't accept who I am, I can do anything for him. He didn't understand that I'm weak since the death of my family and I needed him, my best friends and you Andy. And if he don't want to help me, to accept you, okay, I fed up with that. Bonjour, j'arrive pas à m'exprimer. He's still my best friend but I won't take drugs anymore from him.

I clearly couldn't imagine how she really felt in front of the drug, I wasn't sure to understand what she was explaining. She needed a last dose to be sure she didn't want to drug herself again... ? Man, that's weird. Some king of thing a junkie, probably. I only shrugged, without saying anything. I wasn't sure to understand deeply her words so, maybe that's better I don't say a word. I didn't want to take the risk of hurting her. I talked to her about Alexander, sharing my mind, the fact she won't stay angry with him... What about me ? She reproached me to give up against Alexander but... Do I really have a chance ? Just a little ? That was the real question, because... Losing myself in her eyes, I kept silence for a second before answering her : Yeah. Maybe. But it's not the only problem. What the fuck, Briony. He went to drug you, that's the kind of best friend that have no pity to give you an ultimatum. And what if he promise you to keep you away from drugs if you leave me ? I asked, folding one's arms. I'm not stupid Bri, I won't come back if I know he has the power to push me away. If this is him or I, what would be the answer ? In my case, I would never ask Bri to do a choice between us if he stops stupid things like drugging her. All I ever wanted was Bri's happiness, I only would want him far away if he's not good for her. But if he's, I wouldn't do anything, I would deal with it... But if he doesn't ? If he ask her to choose ? I didn't want to be the loser in that story. That's not how it should be. I felt my heart beating faster and harder, fearing the answer. I didn't want to lose her definitly.

J'sais pas vraiment comment expliquer ma relation avec la drogue. J'savais que c'était mal d'en reprendre et j'en avais tout sauf envie. Mais des fois, il faut vaincre le mal par le mal, vous voyez ? Il faut faire ses propres erreurs pour pouvoir avancer. J'en avais fait une et j'avais bien compris que c'était vraiment pas à refaire. Ptete que je me re-droguerai un jour, personne le sait. Mais croyez-moi, ça ne sera pas consentant. Vraiment pas. Par la suite, Andy évoqua Alex.. Mon meilleur ami, mon frère, celui avec qui j'me sentais le mieux après Andy & Hendrix. Oui, j'vais lui pardonner parce que j'suis qu'une pauvre débile et parce que j'comprends ses raisons. Il voulait pas m'perdre et faisait tout pour m'avoir à nouveau. C'est touchant. Mais il avait pas à l'faire de cette façon. Surtout qu'il avait osé me confier que si c'était à refaire, il hésiterait pas. Bâtard. Yeah. Maybe. But it's not the only problem. J'fis une petite moue en entendant ça. Mais y a tellement de problèmes dans notre relation putain, si en plus faut que les autres se ramènent et en rajoutent. And what if he promise you to keep you away from drugs if you leave me ? Mmh. Tu vas loiin dans le sado-masochisme en te posant de telles questions Andy. Elle est même pas logique j'trouve. En fait, cette promesse.. ça serait "Ouai, j'te promets de plus jamais te droguer si tu quittes Andy" c'est ça le truc ? Eeeh, bad idea. Je déglutis avec difficulté, comme depuis le début de cette discussion. Si en arrivant, j'avais eu peur de plonger mon regard dans celui d'Andy, désormais ce n'était pu l'cas. Did you really say "if he promise you to keep you away from drugs" ? But he's the one who drugged me Andy. He can't threatened me by this way.. I don't understand your idea.. But if you wanted to tell me "what do you gonna do if he gives you an ultimatum between me and him ?" my answer would have been.. you.. Why ? Because you didn't hurt me like him.. he's still my best friend but he's silly currently. Et je t'aime. Est-ce que toi tu m'aimes ? Est-ce que toi tu penses qu'on peut encore être ensemble ? Are you afraid about the power of Alexander on me ?

By seeing the face she did, I realized I didn't formulate the question as I wanted. She was looking in my eyes unblinkingly and I really didn't felt comfortable. I was a little bit afraid of what she was about to say. but... the answer was me. Did I listen very well ? I wasn't so sure. She would choose me against Alexander ? I înched my lips another time and looked at my feets to assimilate the information. Okay... One of my worst dream just went away in a second. Yeah, kind of... If you said so. Maybe she would change her mind about her choice when they wouldn't be angry at all but, that didn't change that she said she would choose me in a way. I did a slight smile, but lost it when I thought about Apple. I swallowed, a hands in pocket and the other one pulling nervously my scarf that was hiding the hickeys (suçons MDR) Apple did to me. I have something to tell you Bri. Something that may will change everything. I breathed before speaking. Hum... Apple wanted us to have a second chance... Okay I just wanted to die in this right moment, confronting her gaze, and added quickly. She told me... She would accept our love affair. What about you Bri ? Apple wouldn't say a thing. Would you accept the fact I would stay married ? The fact I had a wife and wouldn't leave her ? I had both of them at the beginning. Then only Briony, and none of them... Now, could I have both again ? I was okay to give Briony and I another chance... But still as secret lovers. It couldn't be otherwise...

J'savais pas où j'en étais, pourquoi est-ce qu'on me demandait en ce moment d'être responsable, de penser aux autres, aux conséquences de mes actes alors que je nn'avais qu'une envie avoir mes proches autour de moi de manière égoïste ? C'est aberrant comme situation. Alex était mon meilleur ami, vp mather. Andy, l'un des deux hommes que j'aimais, vp eliot. Oui, c'pas compatible. Mais personne ne me dicte ma vie, c'tout, j'fais ce que j'veux, j'fréquente qui j'veux. Yeah, kind of... Aw. Ca faisait bizarre d'entendre Andy dire qu'il avait peur de quelque chose, lui que tout l'monde voyait comme quelqu'un qui n'avait aucune faiblesse. Eh bien non, j'en avais découvert une en plus. Alexander. Le pouvoir que mon meilleur ami avait indéniablement sur moi.. J'savais même pas quoi dire. Ne pas s'inquiéter ? J'pouvais pas, j'savais pas de quoi l'avenir était fait. I have something to tell you Bri. Ah oui ? Bizarrement j'le sentais mal. Il était pas bien dans ses baskets et ça s'voyait. Merveilleux. Vas-y, balances ta bombe. Hum... Apple wanted us to have a second chance... Je fronçais légèrement des sourcils, mon coeur se mit à battre plus fort dans ma poitrine. J'me connaissais par coeur, j'savais quelle allait être ma réaction sous peu. She told me... She would accept our love affair. Ouh putain, ça s'était vraiment pas prévu. Elle accepte de partager ? Bah c'cool.. Nan, ça l'est pas. J'me sentais mal d'un coup, il fallait que j'me mette assise. Sorry. J'bougea vers le banc où j'pus enfin me poser avant de garder le silence un instant. Apple acceptait que j'squatte Andy. Lui, il était retourné avec elle alors q'il m'avait dit que c'était vraiment fini. Elle passera toujours avant, j'suis qu'un loisir. M'enfin, vous m'direz, j'pas encore rompu avec Hendrix et j'y arrivais pas. How do you feel with her ? Complete ? Réponds moi honnêtement s'il te plaît Andy. J'leva mon regard vers lui. C'ta femme, c'est elle qui va réussir à t'faire parler, c'est elle qui va réussir à t'faire faire ton deuil. Elle est tout pour toi. Pourquoi tu sembles aussi gêné quand tu m'parles.. ?

I hated this situation. I loved them both, Briony and Apple, and I didn't want to lose any of them. I was nervous by telling her the truth but... I didn't know what to think neither. I told her everything was over with Apple and finlly, it's not. But she told me she would break up with Hendrix and she didn't do... She set on the bench and I did the same beside her, clearing the throat again. But what she was asking surprised me, I looked at her. How can you ask me something like that ? Frowning, I added. When she asked me to choose between both of you I couldn't resign myself to leave you Briony, and that's why she broke up one month ago. I sighed, leaned against the bench and looking up at the sky. I was feeling sick at this moment, it was complicated but I still was hoping there was a chance. What about Briony ? She probably would never break up with Hendrix. Or actually, not for me, or it would be already done. Sorry. It's unfair. But, I lost Apple for her. I pushed Apple to broke up, but Briony still was with Hendrix. She didn't seem to accept my relationship Apple, but I had to for Hendrix and her. I sighed another time and looking at the ground hands in pockets, I shrugged. Forget it. That was stupid. I was fed up and didn't want to insist anymore. I was so excessive in my behaviour, but Briony was completely driving me crazy. She still was thinking she wasn't really important to me and that was annoying me a lot.

J'devrais être ravie, nan ? Après tout, j'pouvais avoir Andy comme j'le voulais et il pouvait rester avec Apple également. J'voulais que son bonheur, surtout en c'moment, mais malgré tout, y avait toujours un truc qui me chiffonnait. Chais pas quoi.. Tout c'que j'peux affirmer pour l'moment, c'est que je me sentais mal, que j'savais vraiment pas quoi lui répondre tellement la situation me paraissait improbable. How can you ask me something like that ? Mais j'en sais rien moi. Sûrement pour t'faire avouer qu'elle t'est essentielle et que j'suis une perturbation de votre couple. Pour t'faire comprendre que même si ils ont l'voulaient fort tous les deux, ptete qu'au final, on a perdu, j'en sais rien. La situation.. j'tais tellement pas habituée à gérer c'genre de moments. When she asked me to choose between both of you I couldn't resign myself to leave you Briony, and that's why she broke up one month ago. J'ferma les yeux et posa mes coudes sur mes cuisses, ma tête sur mes mains, soupirant. J'en avais marre, marre de tout, que ça soit compliqué, que rien ne soit simple... (sans déconner ?) C'était beau c'qui m'disait. Il m'prouvait encore une fois qu'il m'aimait en m'confiant que j'tais la cause de rupture. J'étais incapable de faire la même chose. Sorry. It's unfair. De quoi ? J'comprenais pas pourquoi il revenait en arrière. Il s'en voulait d'être sincère avec moi, j'en avais aucune idée. Forget it. Je me pinçais les lèvres, avant de finalement me remettre droite et regarder dans la direction d'Andy. Don't be sorry.. J'soupira, observant la mare face à moi. How will be our.. couple ? Can I say "couple" ? I'd like to.. but are we seriously together.. ? So, are we a secret couple one more time ? Will you seriously be with Apple and me ? Monday, Wednesday and the week end for her, that's it ? J'faisais de l'ironie mais j'avais peur de la suite. Ca m'rendait malade de me dire qu'Apple avait réussi à revenir dans sa vie comme ça et qu'elle était capable de m'éjecter. Qu'on m'parle pas de ma situation d'Hendrix. You said that you were afraid about the power of Alexander on me. For me, it's the power of Apple and Anastasiya.. It won't be easy.. Bien sûr qu'ils sont capables de nous faire rompre. Est-ce qu'on était de retour ensemble, j'en sais rien. J'pris sa main dans la mienne. I love you.

She said I shouldn't be sorry. Of course I was, I would not be her boyfriend. Her officiel boyfriend, the one she could kiss in front of everyone. I looked at her again when I heard the following words. And actually, that clearly was a joke, it couldn't be anything else than a joke. She was ironic about sharing me with Apple. Yeah. And monday, wednesday and the week-end, Briony could be with Hendrix. I wrickled one's nose while she get serious again, telling me she also was afraid of Apple and Anastasiya. She took my hand, and said those three words I wanted to hear again... but not in this moment. I frowned and pulled off my hand from hers. Yeah, you do ? You sure about that ? Clearly not as much as I do, Briony. I looked at the ground, searching for my words, before looking at her again. You shouldn't use irony against me. You just didn't do what's necessary for having me all days a week. You didn't break up with Hendrix when I seeked divorce with Apple. Sighing, I sat up clasping my hands and ran a hand through my hair. I never really had exclusivity on her and she was making me understand she didn't like to share me with my own wife. Was I losing her ? Even if she didn't say a clear "no" ? I wasn't able to give her what she wanted. I wouldn't be completely hers, as she would never be completely mine. That's it.

J'saturais. Fallait trop que j'réfléchisse, fallait surtout que j'arrête de sortir les premiers mots qui m'venaient en tête. Il était dit dès l'début de notre relation qu'on était ceux de derrière, les personnes qui n'auraient jamais la totale exclusivité. Rien de nouveau Briony, calmes toi s'il te plaît. Mais vous savez, j'comprenais ma réaction. (ça fait pas shizo du tout.) J'veux dire, j'avais littéralement perdu Alexander et sûrement Hendrix, fin j'en sais rien à vrai dire, c'tellement flou avec lui.. - et j'avais même pas l'droit d'avoir Andy pour moi ? Vous comprenez, c'est compréhensible comme point d'vue. Mais c'tait celui d'la Briony qui pense qu'à sa gueule. C'que j'devais arrêter, comme me l'avait fait comprendre Feldt par sms. Y a pire que moi dans la vie, profites donc ma petite. Yeah, you do ? Il avait retiré sa main et ça m'faisait mal. J'm'y prenais vraiment pas bien pour communiquer avec lui et j'tais ptete en train de foutre encore une fois notre relation en l'air. Enjoooy. J'me déteste par moment sérieux. You shouldn't use irony against me. You just didn't do what's necessary for having me all days a week. Boum, dans ta face Briony. Sorry, I didn't control my words.. Mes émotions surtout. J'pars en délire toute seule en c'moment, c'est impressionnant. If Apple accepts us.. It's the best opportunity we can have to be together. We should to take it. Nion, j'voulais pas être altruiste et le laisser partir, rompre pour qu'il soit avec elle. J'tais en couple libertain avec Hendrix, désormais Andy l'était également. Que demandez de plus hein.. ? J'souris doucement, nerveusement surtout. Do you want that ?

I was really hurt. The reaction she had hurt me, 'cause I felt like she wanted to be the only one I love while she can have Hendrix and I. We don't have everything we want in life. I didn't add a word when she apologized, just shrugging. She probably understood, now, she didn't really have the choice if she wanted me... I was back with Apple and it wouldn't change. Or she accepted to be the secret lover some days a week, or she was... nothing. And I prefered by far the first option. I closed my eyes, hearing her we should take her chance. Finally, I agreed with her, closing my eyes and sighing again. I opened them again, sweeping the park. No-one. Perfect. Turning to her, I leaned and kissed her. My heart literally exploded in my torso by feeling her lips on mine. In a public park, I was playing with fire. But that was just a kiss, quick and ephemeral, just to feel that feeling again. That was my answer. Yes I do. I still want you, even if I still share you with that bastard, even if we have to stay hidden, I want you. I do. Maybe that was a mistake. I didn't know, maybe she would drug herself again finally, even if she said no. Probably people would still want us to break up and we probably didn't end with suffering. But I was ready and this time... This time, I wouldn't have to lie to Apple. It finally was just like the beginning. The only difference was we’re not lying anymore.

J'préférais de loin partager Andy plutôt que de devoir le perdre pour toujours, ça s'était clair et net. Il fallait juste.. j'en sais rien, que j'arrête mes putains de crises d'angoisses, que j'arrête laisser mes émotions me contrôler surtout que cette situation n'était pas nouvelle quoi. Ca avait été la même depuis toujours. J'ignorais pourquoi j'réagissais de manière aussi violente. C'est ptete.. la surprise ? Aucune idée. Si Apple était okay pour nous laisser vivre notre relation en parallèle de leur mariage, ça ne pouvait qu'être plus que tout c'qu'on avait eu. Ca serait juste pu comme avant. Moins d'adrénaline sûrement, mais au moins, on s'rait ensemble. C'est ce qui comptait. C'est ce que j'avais envie au jour d'aujourd'hui mais dans un couple, on est deux. Lui et moi. Est-ce qu'il souhaitait encore m'supporter ? Est-ce qu'il acceptait de me donner une autre chance encore par rapport à la drogue, par rapport à tout.. ? Il m'avait manqué pendant ces quelques jours à un point que vous n'imaginez même pas et j'étais vraiment anxieuse de la réponse qu'il allait m'offrir. Andy garda le silence deux ou trois secondes, regardant autour de lui, avant d'finalement venir capturer mes lèvres avec douceur. Omg, omg, omg. J'ferma les yeux, passa une main sur sa mâchoire, prolongeant le baiser aussi longtemps que je pus avant qu'on s'éloigne. D'un coup, tout mon coeur avait réagi à ce contact, s'réveillant aussitôt.. comme si il arrêtait d'être en manque. Il avait réussi à devenir ma drogue. I do. J'arrivais à rien dire tout simplement, j'pouvais juste pas le quitter du regard. J'aimerai lui dire "je t'aime" encore une fois mais j'osais pas, j'osais pu. J'avais peur pour nous deux, on était tellement fragiles. Andy et Briony tout comme Briandy. Un petit coup de vent et on peut s'écrouler, tout comme rester forts, c'est quitte ou double. Good answer.. Rien à foutre qu'il ait des gens qui passent dans le parc, j'me rapprocha une nouvelle fois d'Andy, le coeur battant la chamade, les papillons dans l'ventre pour venir déposer un baiser furtil. Love you. And about people who want us to break.. ? J'tais certaine qu'il y avait pas qu'Alex dans l'truc. Mon dieu, ça allait être encore un truc de fou quand on allait s'voir. Ptete qu'Apple et Hendrix étaient au courant maintenant.. mais en fait l'adrénaline sera toujours là. Parce qu'on veut pas leur faire de mal et j'suppose qu'on allait pas s'exposer en les humiliant dans tout Harvard. J'restais son secret lover. Et on allait préserver nos rdv secrets ahem.

I just kissed her, in a public park where anybody could see us. But I missed her so much and for this time I really didn't care, I wanted to be close of her, to touch her, even quickly, just a little, to help me to wait the next time we would see each other. In another pleace, more... intimate. More adapted to our secret relationship. I smiled when I heard Briony telling me I told the good answer before kissing me another time. Wow, I really was living an explosion of feelings, I was losing my mind and my heart was beating so fast and so hard that it closely was painful. I bit my lip while I straightened to not catch the attention of people walking around. But her question brough me back down to earth. Erk. People that want us to break up... I raised my eyebrows. I totally fuck them. Oh yeah, if one day I know who are those people trying to ruin or relationship, I would kill them in agony. I swear. I mean.. that's not their business... They're not Apple or Hendrix. Who the fuck are they ? I hate this world and all thoses fucking people always searching for shit and gossips. I got up from the bench and turned myself to Briony. Maybe we should go... somewhere else. Somewhere I wouldn't feel spied, somewhere we could be alone... where I could kiss her again, and again, and again. I needed this. I already said Briony was my oxygen and I still was suffocating since the day I left her.

J'voulais pas l'perdre et j'avais sincèrement l'impression que ce sentiment était partagé. Sinon Andy ne m'aurait pas embrassé à nouveau, il ne m'aurait pas laissé une autre chance. Notre couple était tellement fragile que ça en était vraiment frustrant. Il suffisait qu'un de nos amis nous fasse un coup bas pour qu'on tombe dedans et qu'on stoppe tout. C'est incroyable, vraiment.. I totally fuck them. Un coin de ma bouche se leva légèrement avant que j'ne retrouve mon sérieux. On abordait une question vraiment importante et j'avais pas à sourire des interventions d'Andy. Ark, quand il va recroiser Alex, ça va être folklo ça encore.. I mean.. that's not their business... They're not Apple or Hendrix. J'acquiesçais doucement, d'accord avec lui. Y avait que eux deux pour nous dire quoi que ce soit.. et pas des amis. Fin.. on peut pas nous laisser vivre un peu heureux, le temps d'un instant ? We have to be stronger than us.. I think Alex is not the only one.. Y en a d'autres qui vont ptete essayer de nous faire rompre et cette fois là, va falloir qu'on arrive à discerner les coups bas. Maybe we should go... somewhere else. Je me mordis la lèvre inférieure, plongeant mon regard dans le sien, avant de rire doucement tellement j'tais heureuse. J'me leva à mon tour, vérifiant que j'n'avais rien oublié avant de lui répondre. I agree.. Somewhere else yah.. Where no one will find us.. May I ? J'lui montrais de mon regard sa main, lui demandant ainsi l'autorisation d'la lui tenir. Comme un vrai couple.. sauf qu'on était en secret ensemble. Et qu'actuellement, on était dans un espace public. J'savais que près d'nous, y avait des hôtels mais est-ce que j'accepterais qu'Andy paie pour nous ? J'pense pas. Y a ma maison dans l'coin aussi. J'savais pas où il voulait aller exactement. Ptete juste derrière un arbre, comme deux ados. Where do you want to go ? Do you have an idea ? J'te suivrais où tu voudras Andy.

I didn't want to stay in this park anymore, I didn't feel good in this place ith Briony. In the night it would have been okay, but it was in the middle of the day, the sun was up, and there was people out there. Briony was right, Alexander might not be the only one wishing to separate us and we had to find the other, to be stronger than them if we want to stay together. Please Briony, let's go somewhere else. She agreed with me, and asked if she could take my hand. I kept silence for seconds, wondering if that was a good thing or not, even if I really wanted to. Sorry Bri... I don't think it would be a god idea... I bit my lips again, that was embarrassing me too as I just wanted the same. But it would be reasonable at all. We were leaving to escape the others, it would be suicidal to hold our hands in front of them. Feldt is out today, isn't she ? We ca go to your flat. I smiled, and started walking towards Inman Square with Briony, just me and her.